Introspection

While I was organizing files on my computer yesterday, I found a set of documents I used to write a few years ago. They were sort of like my diary. Even though I was blogging, I felt that my blog got to the point where I couldn’t be as personal as I wanted so I started these “diaries” as a supplement. Sometimes I’d write in them daily. Sometimes a week would go by but there was always something in it.

Each doc covered a different time period in my life and as I read through them, I immediately went back to that time. One doc was from about 10 years ago. The other, more recent,  like 2-3 years ago. 

I think the thing that stood out the most after re-reading these was the tone of my writing. They were COMPLETELY different to the point where someone reading it might think it was two different people. As you can guess, I was just in a different place in life during each time so I’m sure I can chalk up some it to that but I know me and I’m having a hard time convincing myself of that. And as I sit here and type this blog post out, I’m now realizing one of the differences. 

CONVICTION.

In both “diaries”, I wrote out my goals. In the one from 10 years ago, well, I crushed all of those goals. In the one from 2-3 years ago, I only met a few and the difference between the two was the level of conviction I had. In the one from 10 years ago, my words and statements were strong. “I WILL….buy a house, pay off student loans, etc”. In the one from 2-3 years ago, my words and statements were soft. “I’D LIKE TO…..”

My “like” essentially a “lack” and I put no hard timelines on accomplishing them. Looking back through the rest of the entries, my mind was “weak”. I would push then stop. Push then stop and then never start back up again. I would get distracted and that was it. It was over. I was frustrated and I know for sure, I didn’t learn from the experience (because I still have a tendency to repeat some of those same actions!)

When my mind was strong, my convictions were strong. My confidence rode high. I’m sure I faced distractions but I dealt with them, head on, and got back on track. I was DISCIPLINED. I was FOCUSED. I nourished my spirit and in turn, it nourished me.

Let me tell you, looking back on myself through these “diaries” have been eye opening. It’s been like looking in a mirror only it took me back a few years. I’ve challenged myself to re-invest and rebuild myself (six million dollar man style – only the older heads will get that). 

At some point, you have to reflect. At some point, you’ve got to understand that where you are today is a direct result was decisions and actions you’ve taken in the past. BUT – you can’t let any of those get you down or in a rut. You’ve got to keep on keepin’ on. 

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