The Babble

A bunch of rambling starts now: It’s Friday snitches.

* When I grow up, I want to be a meteorologist (fancy name for someone who tells the weather). It’s the only profession I know of (well maybe except lawyer), where you can lie and still have a job the next day. As a consultant, I can’t do it. I can’t lie. I won’t get paid. Doesn’t work. Hoes can’t do it. Pimps want their money. Doesn’t work. Weather person?!? They get away with it and all they have to do is blame it on the "models". While I wasn’t looking forward to shoveling, I was thinking there would be at least some inches of snow. READ MY LIPS (virtually) – NOT COMPLAINING AT ALL but when a brother is waiting in line at Costco for gas like it’s the last apocalypse, I’m thinking this "Snowquester" is real. Nope. Dud. Enough of winter, let’s bring on spring away. Tired of wearing overcoats and puffy jackets. Ready for light coats and blazers. (although I’m not ready for the ladies to give up the knee high boots….hi ladies *pimp winks*)

* Here’s a life lesson I posted on Twitter yesterday: You can’t help people who don’t want to be helped. I tried helping someone as much as I could throughout a bunch of life situations. As a friend, you never want to see another friend go through it but yet lately this person has been……rude (that’s the best way to describe it) and indirect. It’s at the point now where I just don’t communicate with them and in fact, I’m distancing myself from them. Too much in life to deal with bullshuckas.

* Lion’s are in the news. First the zoo helper gets mauled. Then this http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/sex-romp-turns-deadly-lion-attacks-article-1.1281125. While I would love to have sex in the woods, the thought that a lion could roll up on me while a woman is riding me is f*cking crazy. (No pun intended) It’s an instant mood killer. I would be too worried about what happened, especially if I’m on top. I mean I’ve got questions man. I just can’t……Then imagine a dude running up on your car butt ass naked with just a condom on. This story is C-R-A-Z-Y! I would think dude is high on bath salts. I’d probably keep driving like most of the other drivers did. And is anyone else wondering how the condom stayed on?!?!

* Read that last one over again. Lions son!

* It’s a damn shame that in a workplace full of adults, the bathroom is a freakin’ mess. You gotta wonder how people live at home. The first thing that teach you as a boy is to point and shoot. Then shake. But for some dudes, their aim is way off. It’s nasty. You know I think I need a post on bathroom etiquette.

* This Harlem Shake shit is outta control (although the Miami Heat one is funny). For one, it sounds nothing like music that would come out of Harlem and for two, I don’t even get what their shaking. Me old.

* But I do like that Will.i.am and Britney (bitch) song…although I don’t like the fact that I have to hit the mute button on bitch when kids are in the car. Can’t have them walking around saying "britney bitch!" at school.That would revoke my parent of the year award.

* Chris Brown and Lil’ Wayne need their asses whooped.

* Pocket knives on a plane now. I’m gonna need the TSA to think really carefully about that one.

* Yesterday I joined a gym (again). I hadn’t joined one in over two years since I had been working out at home. Now I’m back and actually looking forward to it (and the phatties on the treadmill….*waves*…hi ladies *pimp wink*…). I can’t lie, lately I’ve been obsessed with muscles. It’s crazy. I’m on bodybuilding websites and everything. And seeing women cut up (not overdoing it- like a Jeanette Jenkins body) I’m like DAMMMMN son.

End Babble.

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Catch a Hint. Feel a Vibe.

The one thing I think I’ve always been good at is catching a hint and going with my gut when I feel a vibe. You remember how you met a male/female and gave them your number and something about them turned you off and instead of saying "look you’re wack you’ll never get with me", you just try to be nice and not return their call or answer the phone or respond to a text? (damn that’s a long run on sentence).

But it never worked because they were persistent until one day you had to just say "lose my number" or something to that effect.

Eventually they disappeared but then every now and then, they would pop up (on holidays) just to make sure you’re sure you want nothing to do with them.

Everyone has done it. Yup. Me too. (removes halo).

But I can honestly say, I’ve never been the thirsty dude on the other side of the equation. I remember pursuing a young lady once. We exchanged numbers. I called her once. She said she’d call me back. Never did. I called her again. Voicemail. I called her one more time. Nothing. I let it go. I have a pretty strict 3 contact rule. I’ll hit you up 3 times. If I don’t get nothing in return, I’m done. Peace. Deuces. Out. Holla if you wanna chat.

You should know when people are interested in you. You can feel the vibe. They answer the phone and even if they’re busy, they’ll talk for a hot second. Despite what people think, you can feel a vibe through words, email and text. If the email is short and there’s no follow-up, you’re damn near close to being considered spam and they probably have a filter on it sending you to the trash.

So why am I talking about this?

Well, someone regularly hits me up for advice and convo. I regularly check in with them but lately I’ve noticed that I’m the initiator and the only time they initiate is when they want something (which has happened more lately than before). Said person is looking for a new job and as a friend I’m helping, so when I call said person with a lead, I can’t get a hold of them. Left a message. Sent a text. Tried this twice. Heard nothing. Crickets. Hmmm. Said person called and needed some help with their kids. I help. A few weeks later, I call said person to ask if they can return the favor. Crickets. Said person calls for dating/relationship advice. I give. Yesterday I call and text said person because I really needed help with something. Said person is no where to be found and hits me up this morning talking about, I missed your call and text.

Strike 3. Shame on me.

As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I did the finger swipe on their contact info. As soon as that red button appeared, I touch it and hit OK.

Delete.

Random Babbles

Those download counters are NEVER right. They tell you 20 minutes and in reality, it’s like 45 minutes. If I’m staring at the bar, it creeps. If I leave and come back, I swear the thing hasn’t moved.

All that scheming I did for the iPhone 5 and I haven’t pulled the trigger yet. I have an offer sitting in my inbox for more than what I paid for my iPhone 4S – yet me no budge.

I’ve never seen a long line for the iPhones in any black neighborhoods……

Then again, there’s no Apple stores in black neighborhoods anyway.

Hey, do peoples still use whiteout?

How about erasable ink pens? Do they make those? Remember those? Am I dating myself?…Probably.

30 is the new 20. 40 is the new 30. Does that repeat itself? Do people say 70 is the new 60?  Is death the new birth?When does it end?

So I’m watching this show and this dude apparently has 18 kids. Yo…like…..I don’t….like…..son….damn……

Tamar Braxton gets on my nerves………when wifey turns it on, I roll out. Can’t deal.

That’s actually what I do for most reality shows although I can stomach the T.I joint (unless Tiny talks a lot – then it’s a wrap)

Politics……oh Willard. I’m just not ready to go there just yet. But next month, IT’S ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Touche

Me: I wonder if there’s a way I can cop that new iPhone.

Her: Why? (with confused and that “you’ve got to be kidding me look*). You just got one in December

Me: Well it’s not the iPhone 5.

Her: But your phone isn’t even a year old.

Me: If I can just figure out a way to break even, I’m good. But at the worse case, if I act quick, I’ll have to pay less than the retail.

Her: You’d go through all of that for a phone. Are you serious? You can’t be serious.

Me: Hey, remember last year, we were in the mall and you bought those boots to wear to [insert friends name] birthday party and then we get to Nordstroms and you see another pair and you buy those too. How much did that cost?

Her: *silence*

Me: And then…remember that time you bought the Michael Kors purse and then you went back and got the other one….ummm….ummm…what’s called again…..the umm….

(now I know the name, I’m doing this on purpose)

Her: It was a damn Dooney & Burke….arggghh…..go get your iPhone!

I laid back on the couch, put my feet up, drank my sweet tea and thought to myself…..Touche….

Boomin’

This evening, I left a restaurant for a post-work business meeting and as I walked to the parking lot, I noticed a dude – maybe early to mid 20’s – get in his car. He dropped all of his windows and started blasting some Meek Mill – I’m a boss. He chilled for  a sec then backed out of the parking spot. As he turned the corner, he saw some young ladies walkin’ his way. I know. I saw them too. Same age if I was to guess by the clothing. All of a sudden, I heard him hit the rewind button on the song like 2-3 times right as he was pullin’ closer to the ladies.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh……..Yup. I used to do the same thing…..back in the 90’s.

I remember when I got my first car – an ’86 Accord – bought it myself, only a couple of thousand that I had stashed from throwing parties in college. I was determined to get a car by my senior year and I did. It had like 150K miles on it which to a Honda is like 20K miles. Power everything. I copped it in Pennsylvania and the first thing I did when I drove it to Brooklyn? I went right to Utica Ave and tinted my windows, got the crazy “chirp chirp” 5 siren alarm system and got the must have accessory. Nope. Not rims.

A benzi box.

Remember that? (no? Google it.)

If you had a car and you had one, you were hot shit. And if you had a pager and a bag phone, you were hott-er shit. I had a pager but no bag phone. Semi-hot. Maybe luke warm. Anyway, I got the car and flossed. Everywhere. In the Bronx with my boys. 3rd Ave. In Queens on Linden. And back home in Brooklyn – cruising through downtown, hoping to catch a shorty coming out of Dr. Jays or Juniors. Or even better, that summer, I went back to school early. Why? Freshman orientation!!!!! I stood in front of the car, all windows down, music playing with my boys in front of the student union. Yup. All game.

My mom schooled me. Always told me to keep your car clean both inside and out. That (amongst other things) impresses the ladies. My car never met a car wash or vacuum it didn’t like. Stayed clean with the yellow Vanillaroma trees hanging from the mirror.

The best part though was deciding which music I was going to keep in the car. You had to have something to blast and you had to have some smooth stuff in case you had to give a honey a ride. For the ladies, I had Jodeci and Intro ready at a moment’s notice. Had some Tribe, De La, Wu-Tang, mix tapes all in the whip as well but what’s funny is the first song I remember playing when I got the car and the Benzi……

C to the O to the O to the L to the I to the N to the F to the R to the O to the N to the T to the I to the N…

That means I’m chillin’

Meant to Be

*taps mic*

Is this thing on?

I thought this blog was gone. In fact, I know it was gone. I remember hitting delete and saying ‘yes’ when the “are you sure?” question came up. I was sure. Delete. Gone.

So here I am going along thinking that there is no more blog and then this past weekend, I get the urge to write a post. Ugh. Gotta start a new blog again right? I hold off and begin to catch up on the blog world. It’s been a long time. Too long. I’ve read about everyone’s highs (been there) and lows (been there too) and when I went to comment one of my favorite blogs, it takes my login – recognizes it – and post it with no problem. Hmmm?

So I decide to click on another link and bam! My blog. Still here. Chillin’. Up in the cut. Layin’ low.

Then I started questioning myself. You know how sometimes you leave the house and your brain starts messing with you? Did you leave the lights on? Did you turn the stove off? Is the garage door up? Yup. Exactly.  Did I really hit delete? Did I ever get a confirmation email? Was a brotha dreaming?

Maybe it’s just meant to be. Hmm…..

I was an engineer major in college so naturally I’m a math and science guy which means my brain thinks there’s always an answer to a problem. Always an answer to a situation. And sometimes when I get the answer,  I want to know how people got there. Now. Immediately. It has to make sense.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve had to re-learn that while there is probably a reason something happened or an answer to my question, I may not get it immediately. It may be years before I know and I can’t change that. I have to accept, let go and keep it moving.

Maybe it’s just meant to be.

Do the Crime…

How’s that saying go again?

Do the crime, pay the time? Do the crime, do the time?

On June 1st, Floyd Mayweather Jr reported to jail to serve time for a domestic violence charge. He is supposed to serve 90 days (well 87 to be exact – he got a 3 day credit) for the charge. He allegedly beat the mother of two of his kids while the kids were watching (and allegedly he threatened them too)For those of you who don’t know who he is, he’s a boxer (and a pretty good one I’ll admit and is a savvy business man but will also not hesitate to flaunt his wealth either).

So this past week, his lawyer files a judgement to have Mr. Mayweather either removed from jail and placed on house arrest in a “an apartment less luxurious” than his house or move into jail with the general population. But if they move him to general population, they’re afraid he won’t be safe.

There’s also claims, form his lawyer and doctor, that his health has been seriously deteriorating because he “chooses” to not drink the water (he doesn’t do tap water), and he’s only consuming 800 calories per day (when he’s used to 3,000-4,000 per day) because he “chooses” not to eat all the food.

When this story first broke, there were so many stories and people on the internet defending him. “She set him up”, “he’s not being treated like a human” ….

What am I missing? Am I missing something?

I don’t feel sorry for the dude. Not one bit. This isn’t his first domestic violence charge. He had one in 2002 and one in 2004 and served no jail time in either case. Now, he gets time – gets it postponed (so he can fight) and then goes in and 10 days later, he can’t take it anymore. Why do people demoralize a domestic violence charge as it’s no big deal? If he was man enough to do whatever he did to her (rumors vary on what happened), then he should be man enough to do the time. Right?